a mom's worst nightmare

prolog: Saturday July 4th weekend is a busy time in Mantoloking nj, especially at my mom's house, AKA the sea shore. I arrived Thursday with kids and a dog and cloths, some food, many bags and kid paraphernalia. We tried out a new sitter from sitter city that night for docktails at our club. It was a blast and a success. Friday we had plans to go out o the water with family and friends to watch fireworks after a big family dinner that is helped cook. Thank God our manny/ au pair Danile arrived Friday making life easer. the weekend was in full gear. It was another fun night with friends family and wine etc.. so when Saturday came along Mac and i were happy to sleep in while Daniel took the morning shift. Aah sleep, little miss Chole 2 going on 12 has been sleeping until 9:00-9;30 each morning because she has been skipping naps. She loves the the pure excitement of the 'sea shore life'.
Daniel was not working in the afternoon that day and mac and i were "watching Chloe". We were also watching Tennis on TV and chatting in the den. Mac asked "where is Chloe, do you see or hear her" we both jumped up I demanded Mac go to the Dock and i start calling her name offering cookies and such.
A scared, miffed father returned with in a minute announcing that he found her on the DOCK!!! alone and with out a life jacket. Austin taught her how to get around the gate and she was able to show us her trick... needless to say we were both freaked out and shaken by this event. Mac and i did not go out that night and spent a lot of time weeding, trimming obstruction bushes and trying to secure the gate. I was rattled. I announced hat the lord takes care of "drunks, fools, and babies".

Sunday was a typical day at the seashore in Manto. It was looking like it might rain but holding off for now. I actually thought to myself 'good, if it rains Chloe will be easier contained and less likely to be outside when we are inside...
It was Beach for some, house work on mom's new house for some, dinner party planning and group strategizing on how to acquire more tickets for the Mantoloking centennial dance with Lester Lanin orchestra for that night. It was a busy time. I was happily in charge of preparing for a 20 person pre-dance dinner party. I know how to do that. I was not exactly excited about the prospect of going to a supermarket and COSTCO in brick nj. (brick was noted for one of the most expanding populations in our country a few years ago).
Charlie went to the movies with his boy cousins, Nancy took some girl cousins to another movie, Ted, Andrew (house guest) and my mom were working on new house, Daniel out and about, Nat at a meeting. Mac would be alone in the house with a cranky Chloe. I got her ready for her nap and decided to slip out and let her nap and him study. He was alone in a once full house.
Flank steak: costco, cheesy potatoes, Cesar salad fixings with real home made dressing, rice crispy treat desert, milk, diapers, etc etc etc... ACME. I drove ACME first since i could not find COSTCO.
All is well but so crowded.
While I was on my way to COSTCO, via navigation, I got the worst call any mother ever could get....
Mac was on the phone.. screaming, crying, squealing.." its Chloe... I can't find her... its Chloe, she is gone, honey !!!!! she is gone!!!!! totally GONE... he told me he was going to keep looking. I screamed go to the dock!!!!! The DOCK!!!!! He said he checked and still squealing frantically he hung up!
My life flashed before my eyes... like in my soul. My life was immediately going to be over entirely! I thought id have diarrhea in the car... (sorry TMI). My heart was pounding!
Stuck in Brick New Jersey... traffic every where, no left turn to turn around, u-turn from the right... what the FUCK!!!! Me screaming and crying the following... "NO, no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.... OH GOD.. OH GOD (200 times) PLEASE NO PLEASE GOD!!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE; GOD! ST ANTHONY... I decided to call on ST Anthony...begging. Bartering... making promises... I call 911 I’m still honking my horn, flashers on pointing to NJ drivers to move out of my way and let me by... screaming its an emergency.. a family emergency. One guy actually asked me what kind of emergency before he would let me in... REALLY???
911 answers... "whats your emergency" I proceed to frantically with, my soul leaving my body, tell her my mom's address... 1044 Barnegat on the bay ON THE WATER!!!!! ON THE WATER... 911 women is comely asking me "mame, what is she wearing..." WTF!!! I reply, "her favorate hootie hoot shirt.. its pink with owls on it...but what the fuck are you sending someone down there or not?" I scream, stop asking me questions and get someone down there.
she tells me she needs information (I am honking my horn, swerving in and out of jammed traffic)...
I tell her to call the Mantoloking police all while screaming and crying and begging GOd and st. Anthony. Yelling at her to tell them to check the water...!!!!!! she called in to the local police. I then tried to call mom's new house not realizing that Mac had to run over there to get help. I called my brother Win... he thinks I’m bugging him for a head count for our dinner... I frantically task him to help find Chloe look in the bay!!!!
Apparently Win went from 0-85 in 3 seconds. We was able to drive the 1.4 miles to mom's house following a speeding police car.
I call the house again... My brother Ted answered. I got the word that he was still looking and needed to hang up...
STILL LOOKING.... OH MY GOD.... no no no no please... as the minutes donk by… I in vision her being pulled from the water... emergency people working on her... CPR on her perfect body.. her hootie hoot shirt.. strawberry blond hair.. my love of my life gone...lifeless!! My life over... my marriage over... my spirit, my soul, my faith, my world over... not semi over.. OVER!!
I literately shake it off and go back to begging GOD... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!! on and on...
I look at phone to make another call,, I was considering calling the neighbors to help, Mr W is a fire man, he might know CPR...
there was a TEXT from Mac... "We found her" several minutes, feeling like the longest minutes in my life.
Hello??? what... is she Ok... is she alive.. just "we found her".. OMG! really... that’s it?
I called him and the house. Mac answerd " Hi honey.. I can hear in his rattled voice that she is alive" Mac tells me the micro version of the story... that she was fine and hiding and Ted found her.
But he had to go talk to the police and the other people involved in the search and rescue.
I found a place to pull over... reversed my prayers to thankful prayers. Shaky, heart pounding crying, freaked out thankfulness. I Jumped out of my car to vomit, luckily I did not vomit anything, I tried not to faint. A women from the Marshalls parking lot was following me in her car, I guess to keep an eye on me...asked if I was ok. I told her that we found her. I made the sign of the Cross... thanked GOD, St Anthony, the virgin mother... and the air! I thanked all that is good and the world that could reverse my horror and Save Chloe and save me.
After I pulled some of my act together, still in and out of tears; I actually went to COSTCO. Flank Steak for 16-20 people! Note: do not go to COSTCO on july 4th weekend! do NOT!
When I arrived home to the seashore house, I found Mac and Chloe in our bed. Chloe sleeping like a baby... Mac was shaken up but, assuring me that she will never be out of his sight again.
Apparently she was afraid when Mac was frantically calling for her that she just froze. When Ted called her in a gentle voice.. 'Chloe... where are you sweet girl" she called out in a little 2 year old girl cry, "I right here".
Ted told me later that he had to look in a few places before he could see her hiding in the curtain completely invisible the whole time.
Mac told me that the police had to come up and see for themselves that she was ok. she stayed in the spot for the police to see her hiding place. They were worried that his wife would get in an accident and wanted to make sure I was ok.
It is safe to say that in all of my living days I have never felt so afraid, lost, devastated, helpless and broken… freaked out panicked and frantic.. I believed that she was gone. Drowned…dead. It could take me a very long time to recover from the flash backs of those feelings minutes July 3,2011.

Thank you God and all that helped